


On this night, and in this light (I think I’m falling)

by dovesndimples



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Boys In Love, Caring Eddie Diaz, Getting Together, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Protective Eddie Diaz, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:35:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23623975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dovesndimples/pseuds/dovesndimples
Summary: Night after night, Buck struggles to fight off his demons and sleep.But tonight, his mind is consumed by thoughts of Eddie.Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.And tonight, he falls asleep as quickly as he had fallen in love.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 139





	1. Don’t you see me? I think I’m falling. Falling for you.

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve never written anything before in my life, and I’m really unsure how I feel about this. Pls be kind but honest
> 
> Visit me on tumblr   
> doves-and-dimples.tunblr.com

The only way to describe the thoughts flooding his mind tonight, is a tsunami. A tsunami of intrusive thoughts. And now that he’s experienced an actual tsunami, he can accurately compare them two. He nearly drowned in the tsunami, but now he lies awake at night drowning in his thoughts. 

Christopher.  
Water.  
Drowning.  
Eddie.  
Black.  
Eddie.  
Water.  
Christopher.  
Eddie. Again.

It’s thought after thought. Wave after wave.  
He’s jackknifed out of bed, yet again. Tears pouring, heart racing. He can’t breathe. He’s awake now, the nightmare should be over but he just lays there in the aftermath, consumed with the guilt. The terrors of Christopher hurt him far worse than the ladder truck ever did. He should be used to this. It happens every night, this is his life now. He never tries to sleep again after a nightmare, so his day typically starts at 4am. Buck would either go for a run, and run until the ache in his body is replaced by loss of breathe. Or he’d arrive at the firehouse 4 hours early and clean every single thing in sight. No ones caught him yet, but he knows that people probably know. It’s embarrassing, but he’s grateful no one has said anything. 

He has no control over his body tonight. Is he even awake? He can’t tell anymore, he’s dreams are so realistic that he doesn’t actually think he’s ever asleep. Before he can even register what he’s doing, his call has already been answered. 

“Buck?”

His voice is so soft, the softest sound Bucks ever heard in his life. But it’s not just soft because it’s 3:30 in the morning and he's definitely just woken Eddie up, and he’s trying not to wake the sleeping child in the other room. It’s soft because it’s Eddie. The most genuine man Buck has ever met in his life, and like always, the reason for the call is immediately forgotten. Now that Bucks had the time to think about it; and he’s had a lot of time when he’s always awake at this time and it’s incredibly hard to not think about Eddie, he’s not sure there’s ever been a time that Eddie hasn’t left him short of breath. He’s not this soft for everyone though, he’s come to learn that this particular voice is saved for just Buck and Christopher. Buck and his son receive the same kind of affection from him, and Buck really isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do with that information but it makes his entire body ache, and he’s still trying to figure out why. Is it normal for your best friend to leave you breathless just by looking at you? He’d rather not look any further into it. It’s fine, it’s all fine. 

“Ev? Are you there?” It’s still so soft, but the concern is poorly hidden, and so is the undeniable tiredness in his voice. Fuck, why did I do this. Selfish, selfish, selfish. He has a kid to look after, we both just finished a 12 hour shift at the same time. I really am exhausting. The ache in his chest is much worse now, but it’s not related to Ed this time. It’s just guilt, but that's a welcomed change. He’s sick of the ache in his chest that Eddie gives him, with the small but blinding smiles and the softest of voices. 

“Chris was asking where you were tonight.” The storm in Bucks brain stops short. Christopher is home. He’s safe. “He says you’re needed here, there’s a big test coming up and he wants his Buck to help him ace it. I’m incapable of helping him with his homework, apparently. Grade 3 homework and he thinks I can’t do it, can you believe that?” Eddie said, chuckling lightly. Yes, I can believe it. Chris is the sweetest child I’ve ever met in my life, but he’s definitely one of the bluntest, and definitely not a lair. I know that he knows I’m struggling, he always does. I hate it, but I’ll never not be grateful for the easy distraction of Christopher. 

“I’m so sorry Ed’s, I shouldn’t have called. Fuck! it’s nearly 4 in the morning, why did I think that was okay. I’m sorry Ed“ Hes rambling now, and Buck thinks that’s worse than the silence he’s left him in since he started this call.  
“Come over.” He says it like it’s not a big deal. It’s quiet but stern. Like a good dad. Just like Eddie is.

“What? Eddie, it’s 4am. I’m sorry I called, I shouldn’t have-“

“I don’t care. We’re both awake right now, and we have a day off tomorrow. You know where the key is, let yourself in. I’m not sure where you head’s at right now, so just come over and come to my room. We don’t have to talk at all, I’ll just be there while you try and sleep. We’ll deal with everything else tomorrow.” 

He’s left speechless by Eddie. Again. 

“Come on over, Buck. Let’s go to bed”

Buck’s not entirely sure when he started crying, but he can’t stop it now. Not only has he woken him up at 3:30 in the morning, but left him in silence for most of it and now he has to listen to his snotty nose and inability to breathe.

“I’ll be there soon.” Buck hangs up as quickly as possible. He can’t go to Eddies looking worse than he knows he already does. He considers just picking up something off the floor to chuck on, and normally he would. But Eddie asked him to go to his room, and sleep in his bed, and for some reason, that makes him want to wear his best clothes. Sleepovers are common at Eddie's house, movie nights with Christopher sometimes turn into late night beers with Eddie, and sometimes he drinks too many to legally drive home, but sometimes he pretends it’s one too many and he crashes anyway. It's loud at the Diaz house, it’s bright and it’s full of life. It’s loud, but it’s calm. And the Diaz house is where Buck wants to be all the time.

He gets there the quickest it’s ever taken him and he wants to throw up, he shouldn’t have gotten here so quickly. He's never been this nervous to see Eddie, but he’s also never sobbed on the phone after being invited to someone's bed. He knows he’s only here for a platonic sleepover between a broken man, and a caring one. But he’s never slept in Eddie's bed before, it’s only ever been the lounge. And as tactile as this friendship is, he feels like this is crossing a line. Especially when he spends the nights on Eddie's couch, thinking about being in Eddie's bed. 

God, I’m an idiot. I should go home. I need to go home. He keeps repeating it in his head, and he wants to believe that’s what he wants. I want to go home, and yet he’s at the front door before he can even finish the thought. Buck uses his key to unlock the door, and sneak inside. He peaks around the corner, and there’s no sound or light anywhere, other than the light placed near Eddie's rooms so Christopher can make his way there during the night, so it’s safe to assume that Eddie fell back asleep. There’s no set up for him in the lounge, oh he was serious about being in his bed. That’s good to know. He considers sleeping on the couch anyway; but for a very selfish reason, he really doesn’t want to this time.

He makes his way to Eddie's door, and just stays there against the wall. I'm such a creep. There's only a dim light coming from Netflix asking if he’s still watching. It’s just enough light to see that Eddie has his back to the wall, and looks like he’s asleep so he could definitely go back to the lounge and pretend this part of his night never happened. His thoughts are cut short. “Stop thinking so hard” Eddie mumbles as he rolls over and lifts the covers. He pats the bed softly, “Come on, get in.” Buck can’t see Eddie’s smile, but he can feel it. It’s blinding, and it hurts him all over. 

Before he can think any more of it, he quickly jumps into Eddie's bed. It feels like diving into the tsunami again. This is just one night for Eddie, but this means everything to Buck. His storm in his brain starts to form again

As if on cue, a gentle hand touches his shoulder and pauses everything else. Buck thinks he’s stopped breathing completely, and he wants to cry again. Before he knows what’s happening, the gentle hand is pulling him in and tucking him into Eddie's chest.

Oh. 

Eddie's chest is hard and muscular, but his skin is so soft and his smell is intoxicating. Tonight has been awful, but he never wants it to end. Eddie rolls wrapping both arms around buck, and starts whispering some quiet Spanish into the night. Buck can’t understand a lot of the Spanish Eddie uses, but it quickly became his favourite sound. 

“Eddie, I-“  
It comes out more of a choked sob, than actual words. He said it so quietly, he was hoping Eddie wouldn’t hear how desperate and pathetic he sounds. He heard it, of course Eddie heard it. When has Eddie ever missed anything? 

“Shhhh, sleep now Buck. You’re safe here. I’ve got you.” He says quietly into Buck's hair, as he places the softest kiss on his forehead. It’s so soft and quick that you could probably miss it happening. But Buck doesn’t. He feels it and his brain short circuits. 

“No more thinking. Go to sleep.” 

And for the first time in a long time, he does. He doesn’t have anything else to think about, other than Eddie. He’s consumed by the sound of Eddie's soft breathing, and the smell of Eddie's body wash, the feel of his whole body shielding Bucks. There’s nothing but Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. 

He falls asleep as quickly as he had fallen in love.


	2. I will wait until you’re fast asleep, dreaming things I have the right to see. (Lately you’ve been dreaming you’re in love with me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I, uh” Buck hesitates, and lets out a shaky sigh against the crook of Eddie's neck, and it sends shivers down his spine. He really hopes Buck doesn’t notice.
> 
> “I love you, you know?” He feels the flutter of his eyelashes again, he’s closed his eyes like he’s bracing for impact.
> 
> “Yeah, I know. I love you too.”
> 
> He can’t help shake the feeling that he might, almost definitely, wake up alone again tomorrow morning so he just holds on a little bit tighter tonight.

Eddie knows Buck well enough to know exactly what every single thing he does means. From the twitching of his hands when he’s anxious, the bounce in his legs which can mean he’s either; been sitting down for far too long, he’s feeling restless or when he’s agitated. Everything Buck does has so many meanings, and he knows every one of them. 

Does that mean he spends too much of his time staring at Buck? Probably. Does that cross over the line of platonic? Also probably. Will he stop? Never. 

Buck is currently spread out across Christopher’s bed, with the small boy carefully folded around him while he reenacts the story with as much dramatics as possible, with Chris in a state of half asleep and half awake. He never makes a sound, except the small, soft giggles every now and again. He just stares at Buck with wide eyes, like he’s the best gift he’s ever been given. 

And he is. There’s no one in either of their lives that will ever compare, there’s no one else they'd rather have at the Diaz family dinner and game night. If Eddie and Buck stay nothing but friends, he’s certain that there are many other Diaz’s that are more than willing to scoop him up. 

But it makes these feelings incredibly hard. He’s well aware that sometimes his feelings aren’t platonic, and he sometimes hugs Buck for a little too long and has to add a hasty slap on the back to make it more bro-like behaviour. He keeps his behaviour in check, for the most part. He’d never want to do anything that could potentially ruin this for Chris. But while he watches Chris slowly doze off in Bucks arms, mumbling a quick “I love you Bucky” before rolling over, it makes his chest hurt. The room is almost dark, but he can see Buck. Buck has the same child like wide eyes, and they’re getting glassy. Eddie starts to feel like he’s intruding, so he quickly slips out and heads back down to the lounge room. 

He starts doing dishes to distract his brain, and heart, from the wanting of the little family they’ve accidentally created together. He’s so distracted that he hardly hears Buck appear in the kitchen, he looks wrecked and it hurts Eddie's heart just a little bit more. He can see that he’s restless, he’s itching his skin and rubbing his hands over his face. His hands stop on his mouth, and Eddie has to physically move himself to stop himself from staring.

The house is eerily quiet. It’s not supposed to be quiet when Buck is here. 

“You haven’t been sleeping again, have you?” Eddie asks quietly. Buck startles, the question was soft but it must have been too loud for whatever has been happening in his head. 

It’s been a few days since their last sleepover and it’s been locked away like it never happened. He woke up a few hours after with Bucks body wrapped around his; and it felt safe. So he fell back into the best sleep he’d ever have, to only wake up a few hours later in a cold bed with no Buck. It hurt. It hurt more than it probably should have. Maybe he crossed a line, maybe Buck was too overwhelmed or he felt bad for waking him up. He’ll never know. He knows that Buck is never going to speak of it again. 

Buck wears his heart on his sleeve, and it’s hard to see because Eddie watches people break it so often. He’d never lie to Eddie so his no answer is a big answer. 

“Did you sleep that night you came here?” Eddie knows he did. Of course he knows; and he knows Buck knows he did, but the question is more for his own peace of mind. 

“Uh. Um, yeah I did. Thanks for that by the way, i'm sorry I just-“ 

“It’s okay Buck, I told you that we didn’t need to speak about it.” And they don’t, but Eddie wants to. He wants to know if lines were crossed and if he did something wrong but Buck is what’s important here. 

“I should get going. It’s late. I’ll uh, see you in the morning” 

“Stay here again tonight.” The wide eyes make an appearance again. Why are they so blue? How long are you allowed to stare at your friends eyes? 

“Eddie, no I can’t. I can’t” 

“You can. I’m not saying you have to, you definitely don’t have to. I’m not going to force you. I just want you to know that you can.” 

It’s silent for too long. Bucks halfway out the door, and it feels like they’ve been in this stand off for hours. He expects Buck to leave, and even though it would hurt him a little, he wouldn’t be mad.

But Buck is still stuck. It doesn’t look like he wants to leave, so Eddies taking a chance tonight. He reaches for Bucks hand and holds it tight. Another thing he’ll probably feel guilty for in the morning because it’s definitely crossing a line, but all he can think of in this moment is Bucks shaking hands, calming immediately and then gripping Eddies hand so tight it almost hurts. Almost.

They reach Eddie's room, quickly and quietly. He thinks he can hear Buck crying, he doesn’t mention it though. He goes to offer some clothes for Buck to borrow, but then he takes in his appearance for the first time since he’s been here. He’s already wearing track pants and a casual top. Buck doesn’t wear track pants out of the house, unless he steals them from Eddie's drawer when he’s here. Did he know he was going to be asked to stay? Did he want to be asked stay? He doesn’t want to read too much into it, but it makes him feel giddy. Like there’s some kind of hope. 

Buck is stuck somewhere inside his mind. He makes no sounds as he follows Eddie around the house, he brushes his teeth almost mechanically.

Eddie quickly climbs into his bed, while Buck just stands against the door of the bathroom. Eddie is too scared to look at him, his eyes are soul baring and he knows he’s going to feel everything Buck feels if he looks at them. But he does anyway, it’s hard not to. Bucks eyes are impossibly blue and shine brighter than anything he’s ever seen before in his life. Eddie was right; it hurts to look at him. 

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” 

There’s no response from Buck, but that’s expected. He looks a little flushed but he just moves around on his feet like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t. 

He doesn’t want to rush Buck. He knows this is hard for him and he’d never do anything to force something that he wasn’t willing to give. 

But he does really want to go to sleep, so he just pats the bed gently; hoping Buck will get the message. Almost as if he was waiting for permission, he slides across the room and effortlessly climbs into Eddies bed. Eddie turns over to shut off the light, he has a feeling that it might be easier for Buck if he can’t be seen. He’s right. He seems calmer now that he’s out of sight, and that’s fine with Eddie. 

Eddie's eyes are closed, but he can hear Buck turn over restlessly, letting out a frustrated huff every now and again. He thinks it’s really cute.

“Will it help you if we cuddle again?” Eddie asks, stifling a yawn. “It might help me since ya won’t stop moving.” Before he can start rambling the apology he knows Buck has prepared, he moves over with open arms. Without a second thought, Buck buries his head in Eddie's neck and moulds himself around Eddie's body. 

He’s really trying hard to keep his emotions in range, but this is much more intimate than the last time. Buck hasn’t said a word in a while, he hasn’t even made a sound but he can hear the wheels in his head spinning. 

They lay in the dark for what he can only assume is a while, he already turned off his alarm clock when he messaged Bobby that Buck wasn’t going to work tomorrow. He’s not sure if Buck knows that he’s done that, but they’ll cross that bridge in the morning. Buck needs this. 

Whatever storm was brewing in his head seems to have come to a halt. Buck seems to be calm and comfortable in the spot he forced himself into. He can’t do anything other than lay there under Buck, running his free hand over Bucks scalp, and sometimes he’s brave enough to touch his face. Bucks a large man compared to Eddie, yet here in his bed; Bucks folded around him like he’s small and fragile. Bucks close enough to him that he can feel his eyelashes against him every time he flutters them. His body feels like it’s burning, but yet he feels so at peace, Buck seems settled enough for Eddie to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep. 

“Hey Ed’s?” Buck says so quiet, and soft that it startles him.

“Yeah, Buck?” 

“I, uh” Buck hesitates, and lets out a shaky sigh against the crook of Eddie's neck, and it sends shivers down his spine. He really hopes Buck doesn’t notice.

“I love you, you know?” He feels the flutter of his eyelashes again, he’s closed his eyes like he’s bracing for impact. 

Oh. Eddie doesn’t know how to respond to this, it’s all he’s ever wanted to hear from Buck but he’s well aware that he is his best friend and that’s probably what he means by it. That doesn’t make him feel any less delighted by the confession though. It’s not anything new, it’s something that’s said a lot between the two of them, and Christopher; but for some reason, it’s different hearing it while they’re cuddled in Eddies bed late at night. It feels different.

“Yeah, I know. I love you too.”

He can’t help shake the feeling that he might, almost definitely, wake up alone again tomorrow morning so he just holds on a little bit tighter tonight.


	3. I don’t wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your neck.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ahh. So you are conscious." He knows its anything but a question he should reply to, and he's glad, because he can't. He can't talk. Eddie is vibrating out of his skin, and each look at Buck feels like a hit. He's alright with Eddie being irate, on the off chance that he doesn't have to have this conversation today. 
> 
> "Look, Eddie. I'm so-" 
> 
> "Buck, what is going on?" 
> 
> He can't find the words he needs to use, he can’t unintentionally tell Eddie that he's definitely I’m love with him and now he doesn't have the foggiest idea how to do anything without him because Eddie is folded over all aspects of his life.

He's feeling better today, running up the steps two at once, hoping there’s a chance he gets time to have Bobby's morning meal. He can nearly overlook the nervousness of seeing Eddie again, after sneaking out of his bed and running away from him less than 12 hours ago. But then he saw Eddie sitting at the table, looking pale and tired, bile burned his mouth. His throat and chest were so tight, the nausea was overwhelming. The hurt that shoots through his bones pulls him to a stop at the highest point of the steps, so unexpectedly he nearly tumbles down. He's going to turn and run when Chim yells out from the bar. "Buck! Come here for a minute!"  
Everyone is quick to turn and acknowledge him. Everybody except Eddie. Eddie is mad at him. It's his fault, really, and he gets it, yet it hurts anyway. 

He strolls over, desperate to ignore the uncomfortable feeling of eyes burning into the back of his head. Stuffing his face with however much could fit, he begins leaving, food still in his mouth. "Thanks Cap!”

He's so focused on trying not to let himself be devoured by the idea of Eddie, that he doesn't feel the lounge dip near him. He doesn't have to move his head to know that it's Eddie. Neither of them make a sound, and while sitting quietly isn’t uncommon for them; the quietness has never been this loud. 

They stay seated in the lounge, the jabber of the 118 behind them, they all appear to be invested into their own discussion but he knows that if he turned his head somewhat, he'd see Hen and Chim watching them like hawks 

"Are you coming over tonight?" Eddie asks in a low voice, like he already knows the response is going to be a no. 

"Uh, no not today. Can't today." 

“Right, okay. Are you doing okay, though?” Of course Eddie is concerned enough to ask Buck how he’s doing when he’s clearly been avoiding him. His gut churns, he feels sick again. 

“Yeah man! Doing great."

Lying to Eddie has never been easy. He's not an incredible liar under the most favorable circumstances, and truly hopes Eddie ends his discussion here; and he does because Eddie knows precisely when to stop pushing, however he looks like he needs to push this further. Eddie gives him a small smile that doesn't reach the eyes. He rapidly stands up and leaves, a hurried farewell to Buck that he barely heard. Eddie all but ran from him, and he's never hated himself more. 

Buck thinks he never wants to sleep in his own bed again, and he thinks Eddie realizes that too. The sleepovers, and snuggling become a customary event; Buck is more terrified by what that implies, than the real nightmares he's been avoiding. He knows he's avoiding Eddie now as well, it's extremely senseless. Grown-up friends can snuggle for sure, yet he doesn't know how long he can pretend that he doesn't often get up with morning wood, when he wakes close to Eddie. It's gotten physically painful for him. 

••••

Eddie: Are you home?

It's 10pm, obviously he's home.  
He re reads the text, 3 or 4 times. Each time composing a response and hastily erasing it. He gives up on answering, throwing his phone down on the table next to his beer, hoping that Eddie would accept that he's sleeping. But when has Eddie ever given up on anything? 

He puts on a new Netflix series. Not to watch, but it’s something to fill the silent void he seems to live in. Sighing, he quickly downs the rest of his beer and makes his way to get a new one. He thinks about making food, not really being able to recall the last time he had a meal, but he doesn’t really have the energy tonight. 

He starts making his way back to the loung when the abrupt knock on the door startled him enough to run into the corner of the island. Hissing quietly, and hoping he wasn’t heard, he chooses to ignore the person on the other side of the door, and makes his way to the lounge quicker. Hoping they’d assume he’s asleep and eventually leave. 

He's mostly out of the kitchen when Eddie opens his door and gives himself access, turning the corner as he sees Buck. He realizes he must look like a deer in headlights, and when he finally glances at Eddie and can just see his annoyance. It's emanating off him, and Bucks feeling of dread returns. 

In principle, he should have known it was Eddie. It was stupid of him to believe he wouldn't come searching for Buck. Does that mean he cares enough to need to come check in? Or does he just urgently need to fight Buck for his behaviour; the tone in his voice tells him it's the latter.

"Ahh. So you are conscious." He knows its anything but a question he should reply to, and he's glad, because he can't. He can't talk. Eddie is vibrating out of his skin, and each look at Buck feels like a hit. He's alright with Eddie being irate, on the off chance that he doesn't have to have this conversation today. 

"Look, Eddie. I'm so-" 

"Buck, what is going on?" 

He can't find the words he needs to use, he can’t unintentionally tell Eddie that he's definitely I’m love with him and now he doesn't have the foggiest idea how to do anything without him because Eddie is folded over all aspects of his life.   
He takes a look at Eddie, truly takes a look at him. He looks worn out and pitiful. Oh god, did I do that to him? He needs to hurl. 

“Please, just tell me what happened. What did I do?” It’s almost a plea, and it feels like a smack in the face. “I miss you”, it comes out so quietly, too quietly. 

“Eddie, I-uh.I need to tell you something, and I don’t know how you’re going to react”  
He sucks in his breath. “I can’t stay at your house anymore”

“What? Why?” 

“I just need to make my own home feel like home, and I can’t do that while I’m sleeping in your bed like a child. I need to do this myself now.” 

Eddie looks wounded. “Why wouldn’t you just tell me that? You’ve left me and Chris hanging for weeks, because of that? What have I ever done that’s made you feel like I’d ever be mad at you for that?”

It hurts listening to it. He really wants to chime in, but Eddie is mad and he knows that he needs to let him get this off his chest. As long as Eddie is talking, or yelling, Buck doesn’t have to. 

“We love you Buck, I love you. And I’m so fucking proud of you for being able to decide that you want to try sleep alone, it’s a big step. But why?” 

They’re in uncomfortable silence again now. The panic sets in. He's walking about his kitchen, breathing intensely, so quick he can feel the floor consuming with smoldering heat underneath him. 

“Tell me.” 

"Please stop." 

“Tell me why, Buck.”

“Eddie, stop.” 

He’s well aware that he’s borderline begging now, but he can’t find it in him to care. 

“Tell me!”

“Because I’m fucking in love with you!” He lets go of his hold on the counter, sliding down onto the floor, making himself as small as possible. “And it’s so fucking hard. Sleeping in your bed, waking up with you. It’s hard, and it hurts.” 

His vision is dim, eyes overwhelmed with tears making it difficult to see. He can't tell if Eddie is still in the room, yet he wouldn't like to check. 

He feels him before he sees him. There's a delicate hand on his neck, where Eddie always puts it, it would normally calm him however tonight is very different. The touch is delicate, yet it burns his skin.

“Buck. Look at me." 

All parts of his body are shouting at him to keep his head down, don’t make this real, yet he can't. He sucks in a sharp breath, and quickly the prettiest, yet pained looking eyes he's ever seen staring into his soul. Eddies crying as well. He covers his head in his grasp, letting out a choked sob; it shouldn’t be this way. 

“I love you, Buck.”

He wants to scoff, start arguing about how it’s not the same, to tell Eddie not to pity him. But Eddie's voice is so soft, and earnest, that he almost believes it might actually be true. 

“Dios, Buck.” Eddie laughs, sliding onto the spot on the floor next to Buck. Their thighs are pressed together, and it sets his body on fire.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Eddie?”

“Well, why didn’t you? Look Buck, I’m really sorry for not saying anything about it. If you don’t want anything with me, and you want to stay friends, that’s fine. We can do that. But I don’t want that, and I really hope you don’t either, if I’m honest.”

“You love me, huh?” 

“Yep. Snotty nose and all.” Eddie laughs.  
“The ground can’t be good for your leg. Can we go to bed?” 

“Not gonna take me on a date first?” Buck wiggles his eyebrows at Eddie, taking his hand allowing himself to be pulled up slowly, his body protesting of having been sitting for so long.

Eddie giggles, “To go to sleep, jackass.” As he made his move to pass him, he felt the weight of his hand on his wrist as Eddie said with a soft voice, just loud enough for him to hear, “We’re going to talk about this, Evan. About all of it, just not tonight.” 

And for once, the idea didn’t fill him with dread. He felt calm, and that’s all he needed for tonight.  
Eddie holds out a hand for him to grab, and he’s more than willing. 

Standing up, they've become closer together than before. So close he could feel Eddie's breath on his face. With their hands still laced together, Eddie brought his free hand up the side of Buck's face, and held it like he was incredibly fragile. It’s an usual feeling, he’s never been held like he needs to be taken care of. It’s nice. Testing the waters, Eddie brought his face closer. The touch so light, Buck surged forward just enough to get more contact. 

Eddie tilts his face with his hands, and kisses him so softly like their world is about to shatter. It was quick, but it had his head spinning. Buck dove in for more, claiming Eddie's mouth with his own.  
He lets out a shaky breath and opens his eyes, to see Eddie staring at him with red cheeks and a goofy smile. 

“Come on, let’s go to sleep. We both know neither of us have slept this week.” 

Buck grins and takes his hand, following behind as Eddie gently drags him to his room like this isn’t his house. 

Falling into the soft sheets of his bed almost felt better than their kiss. He didn't realise how exhausted he’d been until he laid down for a second, and now he won’t be getting back up. Eddie quickly followed behind him; and Buck immediately attached himself to Eddie's side. Eddies moves one of Bucks legs over Eddies and tucks a foot under his leg so he’s pinned in, like he’s scared this moment won’t be real in the morning.

“I’m sorry, Eds.” 

Eddie finds his hand under the blanket, and squeezes tightly. “Shh, don’t. Go to sleep.” He runs his free hand up and down Bucks back, tracing some tattoos, until they find a permanent spot in his hair. Combing through gently, until he hears Bucks breathing even out and sleep claims him soon after.

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda want this to be a one shot, but also kind of want to write more so pls be the judge and tell me what I should do with this
> 
> Much love


End file.
